Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
