I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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