Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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