Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
