I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just invented taco cereal.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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