Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
