my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
