two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
