i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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