and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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