So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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