It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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