Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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