I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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