i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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