I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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