Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
