how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
