Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
