Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
