having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
she pinky promised me she was 18
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
