I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My bed smells like the plague
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
