I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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