apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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