I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
