Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
