Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
