I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
