New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
