shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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