Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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