So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
