I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
