party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
