I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I FOUND THE LEGS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
