I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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