I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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