News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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