I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
