Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
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