my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
