I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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