I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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