I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
