You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
