I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
