Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
