I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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