sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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