dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
